Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Katy Perry's Purr

Katy Perry started her entertainment career by singing in church.  After witnessing a mob execution she was forced into hiding in a convent where she inspired the lesbian and/or rotund nuns by singing 60s covers to the pope and then got her dress got hilariously caught in a paper shredder.  After years of chastity and this clean living, jump cut to her on a trampoline bouncing her pendulous double d's that  alternately shoot whip cream and molten lead and a thong somehow fashioned out of an Entenmann's.  I heard she wears provacative ensembles when performing as well.
Katy Perry's Purr is what critics and bloggers lump into the "floral fruity" or "fruity patchouli" genre where sweet candy fruit is paired with an intentionally blandly-engineered patchouli note that no longer really resembles patchouli.  This thing smells like a sorority girl shopping at target with a messy bun and yoga sweatpants.   If there was a loaded breast, I mean gun to my head I'd say it smells of cola, red berries and amber.  If someone was wearing anything from this genre and you asked "what [they] be wearin'", you would get 100 different answers but 80 of them would be something from Victoria's Secret (they really have a hold of this fruity floral "patchouli" market).
So what's it like to wear Purr? Well, dudes will think that you smell "nice" as they clumsily fumble at your bra strap behind a Chili's dumpster; after he hitches your legs up after getting you propped up on a stack of collapsed cardboard boxes it might occur that you smell "sweet".  Legs akimbo with a high heal dangling off your right big toe, he pounds home as you desperately grasp a dumpster for leverage, it will occur to him that your hair not only smells of cigarettes but also like "cupcakes".  If you want your dumpster hookup to dive head first into your nethers while thinking of his mom's PTA Bake Sale then you've hit paydirt.
Yes, people will tell you that "you smell nice", which will encourage you that this was a good life decision. But you know what, don't wear perfume for compliments, you're a grown ass woman or gay man so put that flacon that looks like an intermediate-level attachment for a Sybian away.  Put it down. *hands tissue* Wipe your nose. If you want a dryer more nuanced take on fruity try Jo Malone Blackberry and Bay or if you're on a budget and looking for something smart try Lolita Lampicka (which is a TJ Maxx find and I'll be reviewing at some point). Day drinking? Mademoiselle by Jean Paul Goultier. If you want straight up sweet and delicious try Prada Candy.

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